Stupid Advice for the Dull and Unintelligent II

Seeing people ask for my advice, yet again, to bring equilibrium to their lives reminds me of a quote from an up-and-coming philosopher, “Fun isn’t something one considers when balancing the universe…but this? This puts a smile on my face.” Now, allow me to relieve you of your petty and insignificant problems by bestowing upon you the vast knowledge I have acquired.

Written by Miggy Villamor
Featured Photo by Bianca Rañola

Miggy, how do I deal with being scared?

Write down all the things that are making you feel scared e.g. acads, the future, why you’re still single, etc. When you’re happy with the list you have, rip it up, and throw it away. This is diet catharsis. All the relief of an emotional release, without sounding like a banshee.

After destroying your “fear” list, write down all the positive things you have. Health, family, friends S/O, pets. Any of these will do. Place the list somewhere you can see instantly. In the back of your phone case, behind your ID, on the corkboard in your room, up to you. When you’re feeling scared, look at that list and remember all the nice things you have. Use those nice things as a reason to power through the fear.

Miggy, I’m jealous of all the people in my feed who are going out/have beach bods/ are having fun in general while I’m stuck in my house. What should I do?

Enumerate all of the group chats you have. Google “random number generator”. Get a number from 1 and however many gc’s you have. Message the chosen gc with the line “Tara guys, inom!” If more than two people respond positively to your message, you have a night out! Else, try again with another group chat.

If you ran through all your GC’s and still have no plans, do a quick core workout: fifteen second plank, mountain climber for thirty seconds, and leg raise for thirty seconds. Have thirty second intervals in between sets. Do this for three rounds. Don’t forget to stretch and cool down afterwards!

Both options remove your jealousy by removing your access to your phone, at least for a while. One option causes you to be surrounded by your friends while the other causes you to have a chance at self-improvement. Whichever you choose, your jealousy is beaten, hopefully for a long time.  

Miggy, why don’t I have a S/O? Is something wrong with me?

Pretty sure LA already answered this but since you insist:

Short answer: Yes, you’re as boring as a STS lecture.

You’re still reading? Okay, I guess either you got curious as to why I called you duller than a rock, or you are just as comfortable with self-deprecation as I am. Either way, nice.

Long answer: No, you just have to grow a backbone and lose all sense of regret. My advice is to take advantage of the first few days of class (or work) and make an impression on the rest of the people there. The impression you want is, “Huh. That person’s funny!” People are less scared of those who make them laugh. People love to laugh, and if you can make them laugh, people can learn to love you.

Miggy, how do I deal with useless groupmates?

Put their names on the deliverable but tell your prof / boss that they were useless. I don’t want to hear, “Oh… but they might get a lower grade or a deduction in salary and I don’t want them to be mad at me” shit. You deserve better than to have people use you like a doormat. I’ve been there and I don’t want anyone to have to go through that. You’re too important to let some half-witted, undeserving piece of garbage (see that viral photo of the UP grad literally carrying her trash groupmates) receive the benefits of the effort you exert. This is related to the “growing a backbone” from earlier. Sometimes, people won’t like you because they expect everything handed to them on a damn silver platter. That’s just a fact of life. As long as you can say, “I know I’m right”, they will always be below you.

Miggy, how do I get people to notice my talents?

Try performing them. You want people to notice you can make great spoken word poetry? Sign up for Litnight. You want to show off your volleyball skills? Teach the kids at Pook Ricarte. The point is you have to show your talents if you want people to notice them. That might be a little scary but see the first question on how to deal with being scared.

Miggy, I told a friend I like them but the person doesn’t feel the same way. What should I do?

Defeat the other people who also have feelings for her. This can be done in a battle royale-style tournament. All go in, one comes out. This in no way treats the person like a trophy to be won.

If you thought that was in any way a good idea, you have what I call “No Brain Energy.” It’s like Big Dick Energy™️ but only for the objectively stupid and unintelligent. That was nothing more than the plot of Scott Pilgrim vs the World meshed with Fortnite.

Honestly, you can’t do anything. You can’t make people feel a certain way about you. People aren’t robots to be controlled with the *snap* of a finger. They make their own choices. Sometimes, those choices aren’t you. And that’s perfectly fine.

Still be friends with the person. Things will be awkward initially but they will calm down sooner than you think. Eventually, there will come a time when you find your own person. Whether that is the person whom you wanted at first or someone completely different is a mystery for the future.

Miggy, how did you get all this wisdom?

Trial and error. A lot of errors. Don’t be afraid of making mistakes (unless in an exam). Be afraid of doing nothing at all. Life is a spectator sport only because you’re in it. You’ll get cheered on by your fans and booed by your opponents. You’ll get cuts and bruises but they’ll be worth it when you score that game-winning goal. And just like football, you learn best by going out on the pitch and playing the game. So, what are you waiting for? Can’t you hear the roar of the crowd?

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